Pneumonia....

I went straight to the hospital, just like the doctor had told me to, I didn't stop, I took the fastest route I knew, with fewer stoplights but more stop signs, I ran every single one of them (I was hoping a cop would pull me over so I could get an escort to the hospital and not have to stop AT ALL).  I was scared. My mind was racing, continually verging toward "worse case scenario" thoughts.  Not good. But, I prayed for my baby, out loud, so the he could hear me, almost as if I said the words out loud and he heard them and subconsciously "said" the words in his head, then he was praying too. "God hear my prayer, help me, help my body, heal me, save me, watch over me, I have you in my heart, I need you're grace, hear my prayer, heal me, heal me, help me". 

I parked, grabbed the baby, wrapped him in his blanket and headed up to pediatrics. I could take direction and what I was told was, "don't stop". I walked right past the admission desk, the attendant asked me if she could help me, "Going to pediatrics, Dr. already called in, they're expecting us" was all I said as I zipped past her with the baby in my arms, she started to say something like "you need to check in" but I ignored her and was already to the elevator by the time she finished her sentence.

And just as the doctor promised they were ready for us, took us straight to the room, changed him into a gown, took vitals and immediately put him on oxygen. I took a deep breath, I had finally made it to my destination, I did exactly as I was told and now that we were here and he was "safe" I was finally allowed to stop. Thank God, I was so relieved, I felt like I executed my mission, I felt kinda proud of myself, I allowed myself a slight pat on the back "Good job momma, you got him here in record time, you did good". 

It took a little while but his pediatrician finally got there, he came into the room and after all seemed ok with the baby and he was sleeping peacefully, I asked what was going on? "He has pneumonia, his oxygen levels were dangerously low, he is very sick". Yep, that "small bit of pneumonia in his left lung" that was mentioned in the ER just days earlier, was the ravaging beast that was troubling him now...How is this possible? Why did they let him go home on Sunday? How could it go from a small concern to such a monstrous illness? Apparently, pneumonia can do that, be a small concern but turn into a really BIG concern. That was the answer I got and really, it didn't make any sense to "harp" on the subject. To me it didn't really matter, there was nothing I could do about the past, he was here now and getting amazing treatment. But I will tell you that when you let the doctors and nurses and anyone else who is willing to listen, just how disappointed you are in the way you were treated just days earlier, they go OUT OF THEIR WAY to make it up to you. They were great. I almost felt as if I was in a hotel with room service.

We would be in the hospital for 5 days and 4 nights, being released on Christmas day at 4pm. My Hubby and family had to take care of the older two kids and cart them back and forth so they could see us, go to school and enjoy the holiday break. I do not know what I would have done without this support from our families. Being in the hospital several days and nights with only one of your kids is hard enough, but doing it over Christmas...it was a sad time indeed. I only left the hospital on one occasion, Christmas Eve, my daughter's christmas performance at the church. I wasn't even sure I was going to go (to nervous to leave the baby, he was still on oxygen full time, we couldn't get his levels up and he whined and cried every time I left his side) so I wasn't showered or coiffed or decent. But, Hubby convinced me he could handle the baby for an hour or so. Plus, I had a nice long, wool, winter trench coat that I could throw over my "mess", so thats exactly what I did, and headed out the door. 

I watched her whole performance, it was beautiful and I cried, cried, cried. I had kept such a "fake" optimism while I was at the hospital (for the baby and family) but I was at a breaking point and the church was dark and the singing was loud. I let it all out and felt SO MUCH better after. I'm a real softie and I'm horrible at keeping it all in for too long. Plus, all my wonderful friends offering help and support, asking about the baby and "how are YOU doing" was more than my fragile heart could bear. I felt the love and that made the tears flow even heavier, what a loving world I live in. But, the worst part, the part that really got to me the most, the part that about killed me... I had missed out on so much of the "preparation" for my little girls big night, I wasn't there for the primping and pampering. She is such a girly girl, that's her favorite "part" of any performance, the prepping, but their was nothing "frilly" about her that night.  Men don't do that (her daddy did a great job with everything else but fancy schmancy is out of his league). It was an absolute miracle that she had on a matching outfit and adorable red velvet ballet flats. But nothing fancy and I could tell she missed me. As soon as the performance was over, I hugged her, told her how proud I was, took a few pictures, said a word or two to a few friends and left to go back to my little sickie. 

They (nurses, hubby and baby) were all very happy to see me when I got back. As predicted, he cried and whined almost the whole time I was gone, Hubby and the nurses tried to calm him but nothing worked for long. He finally settled down, and fell asleep in my arms, hubby and everyone else left. I was alone with my baby, I started to wonder what the day would be like tomorrow with us not there. I missed the "outside" world. Then I came to my senses, what a wimp I am that I feel like things are so awful for us right now, how selfish of me to think of myself and feel sorry. I mean, think of people that had it worse, that HAVE it worse, whose babies are REALLY REALLY sick, like terminally sick, how DARE I even mutter a complaint. There are some families that have to spend weeks and months away from their families, they miss out on everything, not just one holiday. This wasn't SO bad, it could be MUCH worse. Snap out of it girl, tomorrow is Christmas, you're FAVORITE holiday. Everything will be fine, just fine, stop stressing out, stop worrying about things you can't change...

I need to Thank God for his grace and mercy. I prayed, a really long, heartfelt, woman to higher being, thank you Lord baby Jesus type of prayer and fell into a deep, much needed, almost as if I was at home in my own bed, type of sleep....

"Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow, you're only a day away"...